Who am I?

by PamW
(Reisterstown, MD)

I did not know I wanted to have children until I had them. Then I became totally absorbed in being with them and raising them, (even a little to the detriment of my relationship with my husband.)


So empty nest was awful for me. I'm ashamed to admit it but I think it took me a full 10 years to get over my longing to have my kids "back" (whatever that means) and also my awful sense of not being sure who I was if I was no longer parenting.


It has been about 15 or 16 years now since empty nest. I can't tell you how often I've been through the loop of questioning where I am now and what I'm doing; I am a housewife.


Periodically I tend to freak out and decide I need to start a career or begin college (again) and I need to do it NOW. But I'm smart enough to put it to prayer and quite frankly I find that God is not at all interested in the subjects which I am so anxious about. He does not want to talk to me about a degree or a job. He talks to me about my attitudes, about my relationships, about my commitments and my work here in my own home and also within my church and my extended family.


I've been a stay at home wife and mom almost exclusively for many years. Sometimes I'm deeply grateful for that. Sometimes I'm frustrated, bored and even a bit angry.


God has always gently insisted to me that I just be me, where I am and as I am, for Him.
If only I could have the same patience for myself that He has for me! For some reason I tend to have alot of unrealistic and unmet expectations for myself and when I see my sagging jawline in the mirror, when I realise my eyesight is a bit worse, when I pay the exorbitant fee for having my hair colored in a shop, when I can't quite handle the workload I think I should, I tend to panic and think that if I don't achieve those unmet goals NOW, I'll run out of time and strength and I'll just be a non-producer, a failure.


God does not have those goals for me. I know because He's never encouraged me to be anything other than who I am and where I am. He does have other goals, heart changing goals for me and He consistently and gently presses me about those.
I am learning that what is important in the kingdom of heaven might never even cross my conciousness unless I am in consistent prayer and Scripture reading. I am learning to place importance on what He says is important and to turn from what the world says is success.
Thank God for His generous and loving help!
He is so faithful.